New Years Eve 1986 my girl friend of about 2 months started to avoid me. I was not given a reason, just avoided. This confused me. Previously any girl friend I had, had left me angrily. For a long time until this one it was very rare for one to stay in my life for longer than two weeks. I kept ringing her to find out what was wrong. Her reply every time was; 'If you don't know, then I am not in a position to tell you.' I argued, 'How am I going to fix it if you do not tell me?' She would answer 'I don't know, but I am not going to risk what happened happening again.' Sometimes I would try different tactics to get her to tell me. She never did, what I really wanted was for her to take me back, I was feeling very lonely. One night I was pondering this and wondering why my life was a such a mess. I was not earning very much, I was driving cabs three nights a week and getting the occasional extra shift when I could. I was hugely in debt, including three months behind on the rent. My clothes were not very much to be desired, even people I thought were my friends were ignoring me. For quite a few nights after the bar closed I would walk home and pass this jeweller. Not only did I consider throwing a brick through the window, I started looking for one, or at least something to smash the window with. I did not want to rob it as such. I wanted to do it so I could be put in prison. My irrational thinking at the time was telling me at least I would have somewhere to sleep and food. Because I had been caught for stealing when I was eleven (11) I had a fear of authorities and the thought of going to prison terrified me. I still thought not only was it my best option it was my only one. I would then get home and ring the ex girl friend as usual. This time at the end of the normal routine I told her I was starting to think there may be something wrong with me. The intention of course was so she could say there was nothing wrong with me and I could manipulate her in to seeing me again. What did happen is she told me she was glad I said that. So I asked what it was she thought was wrong with me. She did not want to say then so suggested I come and talk to her when she had finished her rounds at about 2 o'clock. That of course got me thinking I ought think about what I could say. I had a friend at the time who had these massive mood swings who we often thought was manic depressive. When I got there I said 'I have got it, I am manic depressive aren't I?
'No, I think you are schizophrenic.' That stopped me in my tracks. As she had worked as a mental health nurse I got frightened thinking she would know. My immediate thought was I have to get help. Then realised it was early hours of the morning, where am I going to get help now. I decided I would have to wait until morning to get help. My problem was I always promised to get help but never honestly did, for once I was a bit realistic and said to myself to wait until morning with the intention of seeking help but knowing I may not. It is because of what happened is 'HowI got to A.A..'
Friday 7 October 2016
Thursday 29 September 2016
Who is an alcoholic?
How do we know who is alcoholic?
Not as easy as it sounds. Of course there are some where it is obvious. By the time I got to A.A. it was obvious to the majority of people I knew. Not to me though. I look back now and see others saw it from as early as 13 years old, and possibly earlier. Back then my response to it was;
'It's great isn't it? That means I can drink for the rest of my life." I had no idea of what that could mean. In my teens many people told me I was the sort of person that should not drink. The police picked me up and took me home as I was incapable of walking one night when I was 18. My mother's anger was the fact I had been taken home by the police. In the scalding there was no mention of how drunk I was or how I got like that. There is also the time my brother did something, (Not polite to mention in mixed company.) which required some extensive cleaning up, the majority on me. I would like to have said I slept all the way through it. In truth I must have been comatosed as I did not wake up. One of those times I was grateful for the copious quantity I drank. My doctor, after one episode when I had been off work all week, while writing a certificate for alcoholic poisoning (He refused my request to put down something else.) suggested I try this new thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought he was just trying to scare me.
At the age of 21 I recall going to a meeting where a friends account of what happened differed from mine. My memory tells me I got to the door of the meeting. Nobody was around, even though the doors were open. I peered inside, not having the courage to go inside. Still not seeing anyone I thought I must have been too early (I think about 1/2 hour before starting time.) I decided to go to the local club for a drink while waiting. I remember nothing else. When home, (England) I was talking about it to a friend who said I did go to it. He remembered me telling him about it. My most likely theory or guess is; I probably finished work at 5pm as usual, went for a drink, as usual, so by the time I got to the club and had a few more drinks I would have been in black-out. For another 22 years I did what I refer to now as raids on A.A. I would go to a meeting because a a friend would push me in to it, or doctor, psychiatrist or similar mental health professional recommended I go. I never took them too seriously, I would get to the meeting after drinking. As soon as they said 'That brings us to the end of the meeting', I would be out of the door. Even when I got to A.A. at 43, I did not believe alcohol was a problem.
So how do we know we, or anyone else is an alcoholic?
It is a sad fact we may never know we are, no matter how often we are told. I frequently turned on people who questioned my drinking. Families can often deny it by saying that the drinker was in a stressful situation or worried. Even calling work for the drinker when he was not capable of going to work. The problems associated with drinking are frequently put down to something else. Going to a meeting of A.A. you can often hear the lengths we went to to avoid accepting alcohol was affecting out lives. Family members and friends can hear how they were often bamboozled by the alcoholics rhetoric, and ways they denied alcohol as a problem, often to keep the peace.
Unfortunately, this means it is unlikely that help will be sought until there is acceptance of the problem. The only person able to resolve their problem is the individual themselves. by seeking help which gives support understanding.
Not as easy as it sounds. Of course there are some where it is obvious. By the time I got to A.A. it was obvious to the majority of people I knew. Not to me though. I look back now and see others saw it from as early as 13 years old, and possibly earlier. Back then my response to it was;
'It's great isn't it? That means I can drink for the rest of my life." I had no idea of what that could mean. In my teens many people told me I was the sort of person that should not drink. The police picked me up and took me home as I was incapable of walking one night when I was 18. My mother's anger was the fact I had been taken home by the police. In the scalding there was no mention of how drunk I was or how I got like that. There is also the time my brother did something, (Not polite to mention in mixed company.) which required some extensive cleaning up, the majority on me. I would like to have said I slept all the way through it. In truth I must have been comatosed as I did not wake up. One of those times I was grateful for the copious quantity I drank. My doctor, after one episode when I had been off work all week, while writing a certificate for alcoholic poisoning (He refused my request to put down something else.) suggested I try this new thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought he was just trying to scare me.
At the age of 21 I recall going to a meeting where a friends account of what happened differed from mine. My memory tells me I got to the door of the meeting. Nobody was around, even though the doors were open. I peered inside, not having the courage to go inside. Still not seeing anyone I thought I must have been too early (I think about 1/2 hour before starting time.) I decided to go to the local club for a drink while waiting. I remember nothing else. When home, (England) I was talking about it to a friend who said I did go to it. He remembered me telling him about it. My most likely theory or guess is; I probably finished work at 5pm as usual, went for a drink, as usual, so by the time I got to the club and had a few more drinks I would have been in black-out. For another 22 years I did what I refer to now as raids on A.A. I would go to a meeting because a a friend would push me in to it, or doctor, psychiatrist or similar mental health professional recommended I go. I never took them too seriously, I would get to the meeting after drinking. As soon as they said 'That brings us to the end of the meeting', I would be out of the door. Even when I got to A.A. at 43, I did not believe alcohol was a problem.
So how do we know we, or anyone else is an alcoholic?
It is a sad fact we may never know we are, no matter how often we are told. I frequently turned on people who questioned my drinking. Families can often deny it by saying that the drinker was in a stressful situation or worried. Even calling work for the drinker when he was not capable of going to work. The problems associated with drinking are frequently put down to something else. Going to a meeting of A.A. you can often hear the lengths we went to to avoid accepting alcohol was affecting out lives. Family members and friends can hear how they were often bamboozled by the alcoholics rhetoric, and ways they denied alcohol as a problem, often to keep the peace.
Unfortunately, this means it is unlikely that help will be sought until there is acceptance of the problem. The only person able to resolve their problem is the individual themselves. by seeking help which gives support understanding.
Saturday 24 September 2016
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