Why I sought help.

New Years Eve 1986 my girl friend of about 2 months started to avoid me. I was not given a reason, just avoided. This confused me. Previously any girl friend I had, had left me angrily. For a long time until this one it was very rare for one to stay in my life for longer than two weeks. I kept ringing her to find out what was wrong. Her reply every time was; 'If you don't know, then I am not in a position to tell you.' I argued, 'How am I going to fix it if you do not tell me?' She would answer 'I don't know, but I am not going to risk what happened happening again.' Sometimes I would try different tactics to get her to tell me. She never did, what I really wanted was for her to take me back, I was feeling very lonely. One night I was pondering this and wondering why my life was a such a mess. I was not earning very much, I was driving cabs three nights a week and getting the occasional extra shift when I could. I was hugely in debt, including three months behind on the rent. My clothes were not very much to be desired, even people I thought were my friends were ignoring me. For quite a few nights after the bar closed I would walk home and pass this jeweller. Not only did I consider throwing a brick through the window, I started looking for one, or at least something to smash the window with. I did not want to rob it as such. I wanted to do it so I could be put in prison. My irrational thinking at the time was telling me at least I would have somewhere to sleep and food. Because I had been caught for stealing when I was eleven (11) I had a fear of authorities and the thought of going to prison terrified me. I still thought not only was it my best option it was my only one. I would then get home and ring the ex girl friend as usual. This time at the end of the normal routine I told her I was starting to think there may be something wrong with me. The intention of course was so she could say there was nothing wrong with me and I could manipulate her in to seeing me again. What did happen is she told me she was glad I said that. So I asked what it was she thought was wrong with me. She did not want to say then so suggested I come and talk to her when she had finished her rounds at about 2 o'clock. That of course got me thinking I ought think about what I could say. I had a friend at the time who had these massive mood swings who we often thought was manic depressive. When I got there I said 'I have got it, I am manic depressive aren't I?
'No, I think you are schizophrenic.' That stopped me in my tracks. As she had worked as a mental health nurse I got frightened thinking she would know. My immediate thought was I have to get help. Then realised it was early hours of the morning, where am I going to get help now. I decided I would have to wait until morning to get help. My problem was I always promised to get help but never honestly did, for once I was a bit realistic and said to myself to wait until morning with the intention of seeking help but knowing I may not. It is because of what happened is 'HowI got to A.A..'